There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
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Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?