every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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