Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
You Might Also Like
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky