a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?