One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.