I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.