SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Poetry is my passion
There’s only one good girl here!
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.