Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived