Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.