When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house