If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
⛄️
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road