SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
You Might Also Like
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
best first i’ve ever seen
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!