Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can鈥檛 fire my kids
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I鈥檓 writing Spider Ma鈥檃m, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn鈥檛 freaking need this.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Pro tip:
Don鈥檛 drop the remote on your wife鈥檚 face when she falls asleep in your lap
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that鈥檚 shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There鈥檚 enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn鈥檛 have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
i like to buy frozen diced onions鈥ives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook