8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.