I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Nomnomnomnom
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday