“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?