Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Breaking news:
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Meow
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.