I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*