I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Me buying fruit and veg
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.