I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me, flirting😏
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.