I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
i now pronounce you bounced.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.