Best spoiler warning ever
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.