DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.