boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Finally
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time