My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Print is alive and well!!!
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.