‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
“That’s what” – She
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,