A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
this is the best day of my life
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.