This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
found my next D&D character name
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*