What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
You Might Also Like
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…