@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
You Might Also Like
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.