Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
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Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
my mind
You just read my mind
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year