Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.