Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.