I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay