Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
bias laundering edition
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people