Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I’m listening
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”