Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work