you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.