I already tried new things thanks.
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
a fate I wish upon no one
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.