Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
oh ffs josh did you not read the email