I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.