Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Gemma Correll
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”