*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds