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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD