painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
best review i’ve ever seen
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.