A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
You Might Also Like
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me too 😆
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*