#catsoftwitter
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
this could fix me
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.