[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong