Thinking about Jeff
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Friday night party time 🥳
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
rise and shine we got egg
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.