Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
gentlemen, hear me out
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.